from now on my penis is your penis
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
