I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
