I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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