I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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