I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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