Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
