Redeem this text for a blowjob
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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