I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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