I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
