i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
