He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
