Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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