Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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