Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
