Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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