ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
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my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
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I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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