nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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