i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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