im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.