Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
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I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
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Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?