I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...