I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
