I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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