dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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