Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
