Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
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Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
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I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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