Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
