There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
