I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
