I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
