I molested 6 butterflies tonight
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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