I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
