so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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