He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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