Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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