Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
