the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
