I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
