You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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