i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
