Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
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sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
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We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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