Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
