the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
