The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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