i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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