ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
