Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
