Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
