Swine flu is the new snow day.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
