He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
