3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize