capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
