Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
