is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
