I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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