so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i out mim tonsoeep
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
