No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
