I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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