I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
