It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
