you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
