Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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